it is difficult to see the right option when the wrong one looks so good.

UGH.
So frustrated right now.....
lets talk about spiritual maturity- shall we? it is something that I SUCK at...
Spiritual maturity comes with discipline and habits, with beliefs and behavior. You need to make it your own, and act accordingly- or there is no point in memorizing verses.
Spiritual Maturity is demonstrated by what you DO.
Maturity means: having a balance of the things you learn. Having Spiritual maturity means the end of drama, you learn to value the right people, you surround yourself with the right people. Having spiritual maturity changes how we respond to certain things in life. With this type of maturity you are able to wait patiently, and you know the difference between right and wrong.
If one is NOT patient, and births something prematurely--- this premature _____________ will control you.
So... goals to pray about.
1) Work on your relationship with God
2) Try everyday to be more like Him
3) Pray that He would show you obstacles and how you can improve.
4) Pray about being less and less preoccupied with non important or temporary things in life.
5) Pray to GROW spiritually.

sweet things... aren't so sweet

I have been going back to the fridge several times today... for two different tiramisus (sp?), for coconut cake, for oreos with milk, for a glass of white wine... ugh- although ALL are very lovely, I cannot find the ONE dessert that satifies me right now. I am starting to think that it is not a dessert that I need- I might need something that cannot be eaten.

Right now I am tired, even though I only worked 4 hours. my mind has been running 1000 miles per hour nonstop. I have come to that place in life where I have to define what I have with this one special guy. I am very confused on how I feel about him; I haven't let him get to know me, for who I really am... not that I have put ona show and pretended to be someone else I am not. But I haven't really let him into my personal life. I haven't introduced him to MY friends, and my family. The only friends we have hung out with are mutual friends, or his friends. I haven't introduced him to my culture, my believes. I have just been there for him, yet have kept it all in fun and games on my side. It is my defense mechanishm- if I don't let a guy get too close to my personal life, then if it doesn't work out- I can keep one side of my life "intact". I can hold on to that side. Sorta like when you make a tower of blocks... I let one tower be exposed, while anotherone I let it be "hidden", and when things don't go "ok" then I can take refuge on the one tower still standing. In my mind, if I don't give it my all, then when things don't work out- I can tell myself: well, I just didn't want to give it my all that is why it failed...

I KNOW that this is not ok. I KNOW that it is not fair for me or for the other person. and now this is bitting me in the butt- because I find myself with more feelings than I intended too, all while this other guy has pretty much moved on and has fallen in love with another girl.

There is no point in me wastnig my time with this stupid drama. I should just move on, and let go. And next time- I should give it my all.. as scary as that is. I don't think I will answer back to his email for a while. I need to think things over for a LONG time. wish me luck, peace of mind, and wisdom.

thoughts...

I have been putting this of for a while now... But after a long day of cleaning, vacumming, doing 3 loads of laundry, mopping, and 6 straight hours of watching LOST episodes I now sit on my desk, with a small lamp and a half full cup of lemon tea as my company.

It's supposed to rain all day tomorrow- you know, those foggy, cold, rainy spring days where all you want to do is curl up with a good book and have soup.

Hmm.. curl up with a book- that sounds foreign to me. It's crazy to think that I don't have to memorize things, or write papers, or do a lab report, or go to a lab, or study for a test...

I like where I am right now. The smell of bread baking fills my room, jack johnson is playing on the background and my cup of tea just hit the perfect drinking temperature.

It's hard to describe, but I have been running away from my thoughts today. I have also been chasing after my thoughts, and they lead me to places that are dark, and blurry. Places full of anxiety, and fear. Just like a movie, my thoughts are clear right now, but as I think of the future, the picture gets more and more blurry-and dark.

I should think of my future and BLANK pages, waiting to be filled with life. Heck, I should not chase those thoughts at all, or run away from them. Either way- I will end up tired, exhausted, and with no answers.

There are a couple of things that were highlighted by God in my life today... eerr- these past few days..

1) Pray for knowledge on HOW to love.

I guess I equated physical touch (hugs, kisses, etc) as love. but that is not the case. those are expressions only...

2)learn to not be addicted to thinking...

I have trouble with this one- I can SEE how it helps when you are chasing thoughts, but sometimes you HAVE to think things through.

3) If you are not ready for the consequences of your actions, you are not ready for your actions.

4)If you are mature, you will let go.

5) Freedom is when you do the right thing.

guilt, remorse, depression, sadness is not oppressing you, you can have peace of mind. freedom is not doing whatever the heck you want to do.

a little bit on Faith...

Faith, faith faith... how much I need you, and how much I have neglected you..

Faith feeds on the word of God..

Faith needs to be expressed.... Faith is the source of our strenght...

Faith needs to be faced with an imposibility- This is where I get thrown off... I am faced with an imposibility, it just looks like such a HUGE mountain of obstacles, it looks impossible (for lack of better word).

Faith needs capacity to endure and persevere... to acquire knowledge and to see people as EQUAL.

Pastor says that Love is faith being expressed... so LOVE everyone equally.

Faith keeps you from saying the wrong things.

Yes, faith is good. BUT it is up to YOU to grow faith.

Faith allows you to receive and show mercy, compassion, understanding. Faith allows you to grow, to forgive others and to leave grudges behind.

FAITH restores lives. therefore you need to join everything in your life to faith.

that amazing job you have? join in to faith... that amazing family? join it to faith... your prayer life? your perseverance, your dreams? join them to faith...

So much for compartmentlizing your life... you CANNOT keep faith in one aspect of your life and keep it away from another part..

"Faith ought to cause you to respond to the word of God... " - Pastor R.

Faith helps you become what God wants you to become.... not what people want you to be.

Faith is not magic or wishful thinking... it is to a genie in a bottle...

You have to keep in mind that God is ALWAYS with you, you find Him EVERYWHERE.. so why do you need the cross necklace? or the holy water? are you realy afraid that if you move towns you will not find God?

Faith needs to be central to our lives..

Dark clouds ahead...It's going to be allright.

I woke up today from a nap with a strong feeling that where I am right now and what I am living and how I am living will change pretty soon... I don't know how soon, I don't know where I will be, or how this will change my family. But I do know that I will hold on fast to God... I know He will be there where ever I am no matter what... It is VERY scary to think that the future that I "imagine" might not happen- why? because it might not be in God's plans. This feeling of incertitude is heavy in my heart... I know that dark clouds, or should I say LOTS OF FOG lies ahead. I know that I have to trust God with all my heart and lean not in my own undestanding...

♦"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

♦Matthew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear..."

Destiny, purpose, timing, season= success...

Every season has its purpose, it has a beginning and an ending, and you do not decide when they begin or when they end. You have to be careful with time: are you molding times around you? or is time molding you? Make sure that you build your surrounding AROUND His presence. Make Him the center of your life. He NEVER changes.

Death is NOT the end. Let go of your materialistic security blankets and give your dreams, hopes and fears to God. I know, I sound like a crazy preacher- and I would have NEVER in a million year thought I would say all this... but the truth is that there is nothing more humbling and freeing that letting go of everything and letting God place you and use you where you will fulfill His purpose. There is also nothing more terrifying than this... humans in our society tend to want to keep all the control possible in their lives- yet, it is a never ending battle that always ends in frustration and let downs. Walk through the seasons of life, walk in the presence, relate other people to the presence.

Remember that scars of past wounds remind you that you were healed...

Little Black Book...

I have this little black book, where I take notes from my pastor. I plan on re-writing my notes here, with ideas and thoughts..

Spiritual Maturity:

"I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the spirit of the truth comes, he will guide you into all truth." John 16:12-13

Spiritual maturity is a process, a loooong process... Full of trials and challenges. Spiritual maturity is a choice, and it gradually occurs, it is always changing and its never ending.

You never stop growing! you can never be "mature enough" you can never be too "anointed"

Pastor said that "Spiritual maturity comes with discipline and habits, with believes and behavior"

It's funny because I have this friend, who doesn't believe in God. He is "waiting" for God to "appear" in front of him one day, like magic!I wonder how he is "looking" for God. I think he has put God in SUCH a box that if God doesn't fit into his made up box of understanding, then he thinks that it cannot be God! I often wonder how he can look around and see such beauty and STILL not see God! He is everywhere!

Anywho- this friend of mine said to me two days ago that he has read the bible "more than once." I find that AMAZING! because you can know by memory all the verses, and scripture, but if you don't really ACKNOWLEDGE things and act accordingly to them, then there is no point to it! You just wasted your time reading a "book" .

Spiritual maturity is demonstrated by what you DO, not what you say you are going to do, or what you can do. Too many people call themselves Christians and act like ***** Too many people are engulfed in themselves and do not see the big picture. We need to understand that we NEED God to grow. We cannot do it alone.

"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow." 1Corinthians 3:5.

So what is maturity? It is the ability to balance things in your life, to balances the things you learn. To learn that you DO NOT need certain people in your world. That you need to surround yourself with the right people. Maturity is the end of Drama, it is having the ability to wait and to be patient.

Maturity is having the ability to know the difference between RIGHT and WRONG. No gray area.

Tye Tribbett's song has this verse " No time for mixing light with darkness/ Be black or be white, no more shades of gray./ Be separated, be holy, no matter what you do, don't bow./ and even if you stand alone, stand anyhow."

With that here are a few things to pray for to become more spiritually matured:

1) Work every day, every hour, every minute on your relationship with God.

2) Pray that he would show you your obstacles and for Him to show you how to overcome them and to be more like Him.

3) Pray that he will let you GROW spiritually

4) Try to be less preoccupied with the temporary things in life.

"Give me eyes to see with my heart what my purpose in life is. Let me be fruitful, have a purpose and pursuit passionately. Give me a servant's heart, help me embrace my passion in my service to you God."

Remember that "God is not impressed with what we do or how much of it we do. He is only impressed with WHY we have done things" -Pastor R.

"...Make the most of every opportunity" - Eph 5:15