sweet things... aren't so sweet

I have been going back to the fridge several times today... for two different tiramisus (sp?), for coconut cake, for oreos with milk, for a glass of white wine... ugh- although ALL are very lovely, I cannot find the ONE dessert that satifies me right now. I am starting to think that it is not a dessert that I need- I might need something that cannot be eaten.

Right now I am tired, even though I only worked 4 hours. my mind has been running 1000 miles per hour nonstop. I have come to that place in life where I have to define what I have with this one special guy. I am very confused on how I feel about him; I haven't let him get to know me, for who I really am... not that I have put ona show and pretended to be someone else I am not. But I haven't really let him into my personal life. I haven't introduced him to MY friends, and my family. The only friends we have hung out with are mutual friends, or his friends. I haven't introduced him to my culture, my believes. I have just been there for him, yet have kept it all in fun and games on my side. It is my defense mechanishm- if I don't let a guy get too close to my personal life, then if it doesn't work out- I can keep one side of my life "intact". I can hold on to that side. Sorta like when you make a tower of blocks... I let one tower be exposed, while anotherone I let it be "hidden", and when things don't go "ok" then I can take refuge on the one tower still standing. In my mind, if I don't give it my all, then when things don't work out- I can tell myself: well, I just didn't want to give it my all that is why it failed...

I KNOW that this is not ok. I KNOW that it is not fair for me or for the other person. and now this is bitting me in the butt- because I find myself with more feelings than I intended too, all while this other guy has pretty much moved on and has fallen in love with another girl.

There is no point in me wastnig my time with this stupid drama. I should just move on, and let go. And next time- I should give it my all.. as scary as that is. I don't think I will answer back to his email for a while. I need to think things over for a LONG time. wish me luck, peace of mind, and wisdom.